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Movies, Star Wars

The Next Phase of Star Wars “Enhancements”

We get it, Mr. Lucas. You can do whatever you want to the Star Wars films. You are the grand poobah of creativity, even though your constant tinkering makes your 1988 speech against changing films deliciously ironic. At this point, I’m pretty sure that your idea to add more rocks to A New Hope in the blu-ray release is just a ploy to show us just how far you’ll go to prove this point.

Well, why not go all the way, Mr. Lucas? If you’re going to change your films, then do it right. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

A New Hope

Replace Jabba the Hutt with Bea Arthur

Let’s face it, the current copy/paste job of adding Slug Jabba over Jabba Flintstone isn’t that great. CGI Jabba looks a bit like a pale cat turd with eyes. Why don’t we just replace Jabba with Bea Arthur singing in the Star Wars Holiday Special? Admit it, she’s the only good thing to come out of the Holiday Special besides Boba Fett. Just cut her out of the cantina and stick her into the scene in docking bay 94. She can sing and prance around Han and Jabba’s goons.

Why don’t we also throw in her scene from History of the World, part 1, too? Ancient Greece kind of looks like Tatooine.

The Empire Strikes Back

Finally film that Luke and Leia sex scene

Sure, they’re brother and sister, but why not? At this point in the original trilogy, Luke and Leia are totally into each other. As much as Lucasfilm tried to ignore parts of Splinter of the Mind’s Eye, that book still happened.

While they’re at it, add in that clip of Han calling Leia a frigid bitch to really drive the point home. Leia, humiliated and angry, seeks out Luke in his hospital room… well, you get the picture.

The only problem is that Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher are pushing 60, but I’m sure that ILM can just CGI them younger, right?

Return of the Jedi

Yub Nub extended edition

One of the worst things to happen to Return of the Jedi was the new ending. Replacing the ewok block party with an intergalactic montage wasn’t exactly the best idea ever. I think that Mr. Lucas needs to bring back the “Yub Nub” song, but instead of just re-tacking it back onto the end of the movie, why not update it for today’s audiences? Think about it: the Yub Nub remix featuring Lil Wayne and special guest Rebecca Black. “It’s yub nub, yub nub, gotta get down on yub nub…”

Even better, let’s get an old-timey barbershop quartet to join the party. Just digitally add them in there. Ctrl-X. Ctrl-V.

The Phantom Menace

Replace Jar-Jar with Pedobear

Because it just can’t get any worse.

I made this myself. I don't know if I should be proud...

Attack of the Clones

Back to the Boba

The Return of the Jedi Boba Fett goes back in time to make sure that his parents go the the prom together and to save the planet Vulcan from total annihilation. Wacky hijinks ensue when the young and old Bobas meet face-to-face. However, the movie takes a dark turn when old Boba inadvertently reveals to young Boba that his father will be decapitated by Ultimate Nick Fury.

Revenge of the Sith

Divorce Proceedings

In the special Revenge of the Sith extended cut, Padme lives and files divorce papers against Darth Vader. With outrageous child support payments and limited visitation rights, Darth Vader makes a drastic choice: He must pose as a nanny to see his twin children. He adopts the persona of Veda Darthe, a middle-aged Swedish housekeeper. By the end of the movie, he’s supplementing his Imperial income as a popular children’s TV personality. “Do not underestimate the power of sharing…”

image via Johnathan McIntosh

Got a better idea for the next Star Wars update? Leave it in the comments!

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